not now, natalie.

2009-08-18T20:29:00.000-07:00

walking outside is much like walking around in a fresh cup of tea. i think my lymph nodes are swelling with the exposure to 99% humidity; i am miserable and teetering on passing out. the moisture level of my body is exactly the same as the surrounding air and this makes me suspended in slow motion as the backs of my knees slip with moisture.

People lay sprawled, five points of their body; starfish baking in the sun being prepared for sale, in Bidwell park. Often, i question the comfort of these people on bare grass: Harry has often urinated all over this park...what if i told him that people all over the city had been marked by that little dribble? It doesn't matter. Harry is a dog, and he probably doesn't care.

squinting down each side of the park, the trees are pillars emerging from a green river, this is not Chicago and it is not St. Patricks day. I am Alice, through the looking glass; my head is so swollen with moisture, i can hear the sizzling of that man's chest and the gnats in her unwashed hair.

Olmstead, you sick bastard.

2009-07-24T18:42:00.000-07:00

times like these, when i'm drunk at 9:30 pm (friday only, mind you,) and i end up cruising social websites (facebook, myspace,) that i realize how much i ACTUALLY REALLY HATE some people. its awful. im a terrible person.

2009-07-23T19:20:00.000-07:00

<3 parents.

2009-07-20T05:10:00.000-07:00

Carol Krywalski and James Latchford were married in Paul’s backyard pre-swimming pool, before the click and whir of the large pool filter in the garage, before the pool’s cement would rub the bottoms of my toes raw and painful, just to the point of bleeding, or snag the shiny spandex of my suit bottoms when I sat down to just put my feet in, when I would swipe my fingers across the deck to smear those tiny speck bugs we called Bloodsuckers; before the shellacked but slivery pool deck was the site of card games and boxes of wine. It was 1980; I know so from the Gold Circle Photo stamp on the back of the small photo. This sepia world faded the green of the plastic porch furniture strewn about the yard; it shaded everyone’s limbs a crisp brown that seems impossible for an Irish guy and a Polish girl in July. Sepia has since absorbed like iodine into their bodies and bloodstreams, a poison that surfaced as wrinkles for Mom, and skin cancer for Dad. But here, they are languid and lazy, wispy-haired and as soft as linen, their mouths formed mid-sentence O’s; this whole place is a whisper from their ring-mouths, the smoke from their July cigarettes.

2009-06-17T17:26:00.000-07:00

sometimes, people from my past have sifted through time so quickly that it seems as if i never even knew them; not even for a second. the time was never spent and i have no recollection of them other than a trip to the flea market or a high school locker combination: i am indifferent about these folks but this does not cause me sadness. i will not mention their names; most of which i have forgotten anyway.

others pop up repeatedly and happily; a slight wave, "hello! you'll never see me again!" and it warms my heart as much as it makes it weep: evelyn, the old volunteer at the hospital gift shop; larry, my tenth grade buddy with the blonde skater haircut; mr. olly, the neighbor across the street from my grandmother that worked for general mills.

2009-06-13T09:17:00.000-07:00

some people's limbs turn creamy caramel;
mine stays sallow and spotted, like the cement sidewalks i observe walking down Ashland.
the copper/bronze company implants in the sidewalk make me wonder why they ever changed the formula for cement.
why?

2009-05-14T16:29:00.000-07:00

Who's afraid of Virginia Woolf, Virginia Woolf, Virginia Woolf...

I am...george. I am.

2009-04-03T13:52:00.000-07:00

today i attended an estate sale at the mystery house on the corner of my street. often josh and i would question the fact that nobody was ever there, but an eerie blue light, much like a computer screen, would remain on in the upstairs window. for eight months, nobody occupied the house, an adorable red brick thing on the corner. it was one of those flat front brick houses; probably there before my house was built, with tall, rounded windows that had swirling black iron over the bottom half of them. historical.

the tenants, we concluded, were in their winter home on the sunny shores of Florida. vacationing from never finding a parking spot near their house in the snow.

the mystery house's interior is an absolute wreck: the walls were yellowed, even brown (at the intersection of wall and ceiling) and the majority of the ceiling was shredding off in strips. one could contend that she was a smoker, this Sarah Jo Barth (i peeked at a single piece of mail sitting in her mailbox from the City of Buffalo. was this her death certificate?), as everything inside was cast with unfathomable dinge. the once wallpapered hallway exposed layer after stained layer of the history of the house: i wanted to see what the very first layer was, what year it was put there. the corners of the house smelled strongly like skunk. i like to imagine feral cats claiming chairs and creating villages out of this woman's withered books. the furniture was remarkably high quality AND out of my price range, although i would trade my shitty Target Wobbly Desk for a mahogany end-table with brass knobs and a velvet-lined drawer and just make due.

there is no continuity of objects in my bedroom; there is a halo of cloth and denim surrounding my bed.

2009-04-02T18:25:00.000-07:00

there is nothing quite as satisfying as a bowl of Campbell's Tomato Soup with noodles. Bleached, white, floury, tasteless noodles! From a can, mixed with water, salty tasty soup!

as a child, i was not interested in the fake, rubbery chicken of Chicken Noodle: one time, i spit out a chicken chunk and TO MY HORROR, it was riddled with tube-ish arteries jutting out all over. never again did i eat chicken soup other than that which came from my mother's or grandmother's stock pot.

perhaps around the age of four or five, on a nondescript saturday in my life, my mother answered, when i asked, "what's wrong with dad?", that dad was sick and couldnt go to work so we had to work on something for him to eat. he was throwing up. he was out the night before. now i see: he was hungover, but he was never a terrible man. he was awesome; he taught me to fish. in my memory, i see a bowl steaming in my mother's hands, and a few pieces of toast wedged in a paper towel in my hands. we crept into the darkness; i could not see him, i knew to be very quiet. we placed our parcels on the side table carefully and he rolled over and smiled. i bet that soup was awesome.

joshua, up until about three years ago, had lived a childhood with no tomato soup. whatsoever. there was a day in which we decided to get some lunch and buy kit bowman a birthday present (which ended up being a Lightning Bolt CD, some pencils, and an andy warhol postcard of a man's body with a flaccid penis.) at globe market, he was introduced to tomato in a much richer, fancier fashion: tomato basil bisque. that was the day he told me he used to get yelled at for drawing poop and i told him i used to draw buffalo bills football players on the field.

2009-04-01T20:53:00.000-07:00

tonight, my yawns are powerful forces; it is only midnight.
a yawn's main purpose is to cool off the brain; a thought fan. i am untangling a vast web of literature that will not untangle for probably the rest of my life. surely not in one month, the end of the semester.

my bathrobe smells minty, a sure sign that someone grabbed whatever terrycloth was hanging behind the bathroom door, and, pausing for only a moment to reflect on the deviance of their act and simultaneously regarding it as necessary action, swiped their toothpaste rimmed mouth on it.

2009-03-17T11:41:00.000-07:00

i've purchased myself a bicycle. it cost me a pretty penny, but whatever.
it's green; i did not get the st. patty's day reference that the bikeman made.

"what a day to get a green bike!!! hyuh hyuh!!"

it is speedy, but not the lightest thing in the world. ah well.

and if you ever EVER EVER EVER stop me in the middle of west ferry and yell at me again, i will run you over.

=) =) =)

2009-03-11T17:54:00.000-07:00

construct your response around affect, sentimentality, and globalization/cosmopolitanism."

ready? set? GO.

2009-03-04T12:38:00.000-08:00

upon leaving florida, i still had those impossible hopes that my horrible, painful sunburn would turn into a tan. for 25 years, this has never, ever happened. my tan is anyone else's pale. nobody noticed my fresh splattering of brown freckles across my nose.

i would like to start having some sort of weekly-meeting discussion group of all things desired, the only exception being talking about other people; that will not be allowed. i would like non-cheap wine and wonderful dips and things to put in them. this idea inspired by the lovely ms. megan lee and our quick lunch at the Java U campus coffeeshop. seeing megan always makes me think of having wines and dips and discussing. lovely!

2009-02-20T13:33:00.000-08:00

in this endless winter, i see that i have chosen the proper lighting in my bedroom. yes, this lamp is from st.vincent de paul and the shade is from some other sort of thrift store. no matter the time of day or glum bluster there is outside, i can safely turn the knob just one notch and illuminate my room so that it feels like 8pm on a friday evening, with him playing the guitar in the dining room and a stomach full of date-dinner, cats cuddled up on the bed. covers thrown about.

on another, more professional note, it has been stated that i have an excellent ethnographic eye, and little was said about my faults within my drag queen study. Lauren Berlant's The Female Complaint proved to be a lengthy read yet completely understandable.

2009-02-05T22:28:00.000-08:00

this is the first time i've come home to find you sleeping already. tucked in tight; a little sushi roll of light green wrapping and brown bean sprout hair. burt resting at the foot of the bed, lazily eyed me as i tossed ALL of my things in the laundry basket at the foot of the bed. i will most likely throw all of them out of it in the morning in search of something ultimately important; like keys. when you snore i feel bad for the insides of your nose, but i can't help those, because i am not small enough to fit inside. you just stopped snoring. am i sending blog vibes?! BLOG VIBES!

2009-01-30T14:19:00.001-08:00

ages and ages ago, a friend of mine scoped over my new livejournal layout and informed me that i have an exceptional ability to utilize colors.
a past professor, in all of his afrocentric, cowboy-booted glory, wrote on the back of a particularly difficult midterm exam bubble sheet, "i REALLY like your colors today, ms. latchford!"
countless coworkers exclaim, "oh! that scarf looks so good with your hair i could NEVER WEAR THAT!!!!"

this leads me to wonder, as of late, wether i've been wasting some hidden talent whilst (i really love using whilst instead of while) theorizing my brain to bits to attain a goddamned degree in Sociology.

patellar tendonitis

2009-01-29T07:35:00.000-08:00

phew. i busted my knee. my body is getting old, falling apart. I BUSTED MY KNEE WHILST DANCING, MY FAVORITE PASTIME OF ALL TIME!!!! i suppose being almost 26 means that your body starts falling apart? have you ever been able to not use a muscle in your body? its fucking strange. i am a helpless gimp with a man servant and a big screen tv playing endless sex and the city episodes. i have cabin fever.

2009-01-18T21:40:00.001-08:00

winter whites winter whines
my cats do not know winter as i do: they also do not know hate.

2009-01-13T12:50:00.000-08:00

last night, as fever waxed and waned through my body, thoughts of the ages of our souls came up. perhaps delirium from the combination of black tea and cold medicine fueled it: thoughts that seemed poetic and justified just ended up as forgotten as silence. we are old souls in an old apartment on an old street; we are old friends. monsters and idiots are haunting my dreams, products of eating too late at night and that rediculous anxiety over whether someone is going to smash a glass on the floor or over our heads. i no longer feel sorry for the situation: fact is, i NEVER did. so ha ha.
i gave many a thing to many a person; you've got to give to get back; but i never got back, really. this time around is different. there has never been more understanding. balanced and creative and perfect.

i've waited a long time, honestly.

2009-01-09T11:30:00.000-08:00

ocala schmocala

2009-01-02T14:14:00.000-08:00

my mom, aunt, cousin, and baby second cousin took a shopping trip, as all women i guess do on pseudo-vacations; even though we are in Retirementville, FL, the reason being my uncle is dead, wherein my mother insisted that she buy me anything i picked out (awesome!) including mascara that promises "4X BRIGHTER EYES!" even though, and i say this in a truthful, modest tone; i do not need brighter eyes. even after a night of heavy drinking or when i get eyelash glue in them and they feel like they are bleeding.

my second cousin is one and a half, and he refers to me as Lee Lee, because he is adorable. my dad went fishing today without me; i was really looking forward to it more than i was pointlessly spending money on a pair of levi's that i most likely will not like once i get home. i want to show my father that i can fish; it is important for me to do before he gets TOO old. for christ's sake, he already has titanium knees.

i have found myself in more sane of a spot than ever before. soon to be twenty six the most awesome of ages where everything has clicked together and makes total sense. i have, in the past year, felt a very many things fall apart, had the best summer of my entire life, moved my best friend from los angeles to my sweet, sad hometown, raged, raged, and raged, saw friends drift away, brought new friends closer, found an amazing job, almost graduated from college (finally, in may,) and set out on mission: impossible which turned into HOLY SHIT what was i thinking two years ago when i could have dated him but didnt and now that i am, things have never been more perfect?, had my life threatened, got chased on a bike, and fell in super huge love. im not even that girl that i used to be when i would be afraid to even say it. i say it all the time, because its true and wonderful.

2008-12-26T06:28:00.000-08:00

my uncle died on christmas eve morning. diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer in May of this year, the cancer rapidly spread, unphased by any treatments he was receiving.
my mother kept telling me to call him over the past few months and i never did. i thought there was more time. on december 22nd, my mother called me and told me that uncle paul was going to hospice on christmas eve, and that i should consider coming to see him, or call him. what do you say to someone that is going to die?
i began writing him a letter, to soothe my mind and to tell him all the things i wanted to tell him.

he died before he could even go to hospice.
my dad called me as he was driving my uncle's car back to their house.
i never got to tell him anything at all. not goodbye or i love you. not thank you for being the most wonderful uncle ive had. not even sorry that we grew distant as you and aunt eileen retired to florida.

rest in peace, john paul thompson.

2008-12-12T08:38:00.001-08:00

i wonder:
is 11:30 am too early to eat homemade guacamole?
what should i buy with the Christmas money my dad gave me?

2008-11-05T11:27:00.000-08:00

YIPPIE!

2008-11-02T14:18:00.000-08:00

elementary forms of religious life
the hollow men
find my commodity; find my capital; find this moby dick

2008-10-28T10:51:00.001-07:00

the weather has taken a turn for the worst; rattling window is driving us nuts.
keeping the warm things in bed: blankets and cat pelts and down pillows.
we took the bed to spain in search of fall leaves that never touch the ground
and dust to replace the raindrops.

2008-10-15T08:36:00.001-07:00

2008-09-26T08:08:00.000-07:00

sound travels down our street and it's eerily resonant on the background of mid-afternoon silence.
for two years i have been a'travellin and it's time to wash my socks.
everyone is yelling all of the time; this won't be an issue when we lock the warmth inside.

2008-08-25T19:59:00.001-07:00

this has been the best summer of my entire life and i goddamned love every single one of my friends and jesus h. christ i cant believe it's over. WTFZ.

2008-08-19T08:25:00.000-07:00

we are all mad men!

2008-07-28T08:34:00.000-07:00

someone should tell them to have babies immediately.
also please i would like a boyfriend like him.

2008-07-20T19:32:00.000-07:00

dear five-inch-long-bright-pink-fake-fingernail-cashier at Sbarro (what the fuck was i thinking) today:
when you hand people back their cash, don't place the bills and change on the napkins and then hand them to people. do you know where that money has been? why dont i just wipe my face with the fucking ten you just handed me? do me a favor and come down to euphoria...i could work miracles with those god-awful hooker hands of yours. have you ever seen a urinal cake? i'm slightly embarrassed to say that i have but not as embarrassed as you should be considering your fingernails are the same color.

cheese and pepperoni,
natalie

2008-07-07T21:10:00.000-07:00

2008-06-28T09:56:00.000-07:00

i just have a few things to say about WALL*E. 1) OH. MY. GOD!!!!!!!! 2) HOLY SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!1!! 3) AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHF:ADLISJG:DGH:DLHG:EAGHE:O!!!!!!!

2008-06-23T08:03:00.000-07:00

when i'm 54, like my mother before me at this exact moment...where will you all be in my life? thinking thoughts: this time in my life will one day end/this time in my life is doing nothing but ending = deepest sadness. there is nothing that makes me feel more like me like everyone i know.

2008-06-13T20:15:00.000-07:00

my old bedroom is breezy (with the aid of a brand new super fan) and my parents keep my face cool with bags of peas and blueberries. my dad looks adorable with his new haircut. vicodin helps the just-punched-in-the-nose-five-times-while-doing-flips-underwater feeling. i rest falsely: i still hear everything that is going on around me but somehow still have vivid dreams. i walked back to my apartment (around the block) to look at my beautiful bouquet of flowers and feed my cats and back again, only to realize that the antibiotics gave me a sunburn. cruel. what a cruel, silly joke to play. that, and my return key STILL does not work: i am forced into paragraph hell.

2008-06-11T21:03:00.001-07:00

planes are flying in circles, probably because thats the shape of the earth, probably because six hours ahead is the future! come back come back come back! even my BLOG is lonely!

2008-05-26T09:51:00.000-07:00

things broken on my computer are the return key, the letter i (i have to copy and paste it) and both shift keys. no more exclamation points or ichat.

2008-05-07T14:20:00.000-07:00

there are three types of mouthwashes in my bathroom
there are three types of dishsoaps on the sink
there are three two types of cats in the living room
there are four golden girls still living today
there are one too many minutes spent alone always, i say
there is one porch to sit on
there are two chairs on the porch

goodbye, asshole

2008-05-02T15:43:00.001-07:00

Ol' blue bastard! You were a curse from the beginning, and there was never a day that passed that I didn't think about how much I loathed you.
Oh, sure. You made it ALL THE WAY to Brooklyn and back; big whoop! All I can remember are those right hand turns that you so lovingly stalled out on, without any regard for my safety: entrance ramps to the 33, the tallest one-lane stretch of the Scajaquada, or just out-and-about in dangerous neighborhoods. To think I put my one and only Kit Bowman sticker on your bumper, you filthy beast. You horror! Rot in the depths of junkyard piles with the rest of your cursed comrades.

2008-04-27T13:11:00.000-07:00

best comic strip ever made.
wondermark.com

<3

summer street

2008-04-25T08:01:00.000-07:00

jesus christ i was so happy today while driving on the skyway with a different, more reliable vehicle even with the knowledge that i could, potentially, fly right off the edge of that skyway and DIE. but i was not even SCARED of that thought as much as i am about what people say about me behind my back, or who at the credit card company laughs the hardest when they see my credit score, or what's coming in the mail from some long-lost roommate, or if i have pink eye, or WHAT THE FUCK GAS IS FOUR DOLLARS A GALLON AND I NEED ELEVEN GALLONS THAT IS ONE QUARTER OF MY CURRENT PAYCHECK, or you or her or him or them.

2008-04-19T08:16:00.001-07:00

ok thank you, world. the chill left and now it's nothing but sweat and sunshine and prospective tans (who am i kidding...i do not tan).
i would like a bicycle. why did you throw out my bike? i called you and called you and myspace messaged you and you still threw out my bike. it even had that little hamburger bell and it was a SCHWINN, a natalie-green schwinn! you threw it away and now i have no bike, and even if i DO live in lovejoy, i would still throughly enjoy riding it all over downtown with friends...that way, i wouldnt have to listen to my muffler scar my eardrums or subject people to the strange things growing on the floor of my car.

(hey everyone! i have nasal polyps http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nasal_polyps and a deviated septum http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Deviated_septum !!!!!!

surgery is inevitable, so i guess i didn't really need my bike right away. it's just that i never got over it; the throwing away of the (my) bike.

oh

2008-04-16T09:51:00.000-07:00

when will this goddamned CHILL leave already?
i've been getting hundreds that i don't really expect and it's complicated because i'm not entirely sure i deserve them but who am i to question the highly-educated educators?
i suppose i DO have nice hands; thank you
the rest of you have a choice of seeking absolution or risking never holding a place again.

my thoughts on Episode 9 of Season 4 of the Office

2008-04-11T07:01:00.000-07:00

I REVOKE ALL STATEMENTS I MADE CONCERNING EPISODE NINE OF THE FOURTH SEASON OF THE OFFICE UPON CAREFUL CONSIDERATION CONSIDERING IT WAS A REALLY GOOD EPISODE CHOCK FULL OF WELL DONE EVIL LOOKS AND PAINFUL SITUATIONS.

2008-04-10T20:43:00.000-07:00

if people heard the things i say to my cats...

2008-04-08T18:48:00.000-07:00

your past is just parts of your live that you will never, ever get back.
what if, you are absolutely certain, after arduous internal battles, that what once was actually was perfect?
you cannot remember being unhappy, at least not beyond the superficial.

what then? or now, should i say?

mystery dancing

2008-04-02T16:08:00.000-07:00

around age 14, nearing my last legs of dance class (no pun intended)
i was in a tap dance, of which i have no memory.
there is a photo, and in said photo, i am wearing a one-piece, short sleeve/shorts thing, with an empire waistline that was red on top and black below. the black part had red piping down the center and around the leg of the shorts. there were little black gloves with red lace, and a bowler hat with red ribbon.

im smiling in this photo, balancing on one leg. right foot touching my left knee. perfect dance posture as im holding the rim of my bowler hat with my right hand. smiling. i have no idea what this dance was. i dont remember ever performing in this costume, or what song went along with it.

i really believe this picture is fake. nobody else around me remembers this dance. not even donna scott herself.

ne mosquitos pas

2008-03-30T14:17:00.001-07:00

young woman, praise the suffering.
toilet brush and ice bucket.
where are you now? how long is your hair?

young man, praise the suffering.
any drunks "love yous" and "fuck yous"
theres a couch in the back of my work you can sleep on.

blessed be foolishness
blessed be contradictions
blessed be i dont even know when i'm jokin or not anymore.

blessed be doubt,
blessed be we amatures,
blessed be we're always leavin.

fucking strangers feels better; feels better fucking strangers.
big gay mister t. knock his fuckin teeth out with a telephone.

-joan of ark

2008-03-29T12:56:00.000-07:00

i'm going to eat you, little city.
tasty little buildings; iced and glistening.

i'm going to eat you up because there is nothing else for me to do with you.

2008-03-26T18:46:00.000-07:00

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THIS LIGHTS UP MY HEART!

2008-03-25T14:02:00.001-07:00

i lost my head and you all laughed at me.

2008-03-23T12:04:00.000-07:00

all around us things are falling apart and getting lost.

people just decided to lay in their beds, watching season after season of dvd tv as the world tilts slightly off its axis to freeze things over and muddle the grass and ruin our shoes.
nobody comes to visit me, and to be perfectly honest, i dont know if i want them to.
there was a time when this house was full and i was constantly running.
dont call me if you're not going to listen.
i am a plate of leftovers...didn't quite make it to the table the first time. my table is covered in feathers and unopened bills anyway.

dictionary

2008-03-22T14:07:00.001-07:00

i have forgotten my dictionary.
i've forgotten whether: it was in my possetion at the time of dissappearance; if it was French/English or Miriam-Webster; how thin the pages were;if it told me the meanings of anything, everything.
I've forgotten how to read; what the alphabet means; the arrested fluidity of the ink; the color black; the space the dictionary occupied and the space that it did not (most importantly: the space it did not.)

2008-03-21T16:46:00.000-07:00

since jena and i are surfin the dubdubdub for handsome men...

CASEY AFFLECK IN A TINY TUB!

xxoxoxo.

PISS

2008-03-20T07:25:00.001-07:00

People of Dancefloors all over Buffalo:

Every morning after dancing, I notice something. FOOT BRUISES. Who out there is stomping their stilettos into my tender, pale, fragile foot top? Why should I be concerned about the delicate condition of the slender bones of my feet just because everyone rages out so hard? I know placing a blame is unfair, as I have, in my day, taken down people like a bowling ball on dancefloors. These bruises are placed upon the foot exactly where the nails went through Jesus. Now, maybe it's no fault of the heel-wearing ladies of la luna. Maybe I'm experiencing stigmata. Holy shit. Is that it? Is that what this is?!

Love and squalor,
Natalie

2008-03-16T16:38:00.000-07:00

upon returning to her sister's side, education and boredom aplenty,
alice began to miss tea parties, the walrus and the carpenter, and even hedgehog/flamingo croquet.

2008-03-07T16:17:00.000-08:00

was i ecstatic or dismal?
you decide.

2008-03-05T23:53:00.000-08:00

OBTUSE OBTUSE OBTUSE OBTUSE.
bank accounts at age 30.
ACUTE ACUTE ACUTE ACUTE.
city:opportunity: punctuality: decadence.

2008-03-03T14:34:00.000-08:00

too puddly for picnics and
too panicked for satisfaction.
i am peeling my finger tips down to the bone, i SWEAR; it's horrible and disgusting: i realize what I come from but you see I'm trying to CHANGE it without much success.
you gain the majority of your bad habits in the adolescent years.

I didn't drink coffee in high school = I didn't drink coffee in California.

2008-02-27T19:33:00.000-08:00

hypothetically:
would it be all that bad,in this misery-freeze
if we just cuddled? in blankets. twist arms and legs.
hypothetically; hypothermically?

celebrity crush information post.

2008-02-24T10:28:00.000-08:00

would you look at that?
xoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxo

l;k

2008-02-23T22:56:00.001-08:00

i felt wonderful today! everything made me happy!

i cannot like you

2008-02-20T21:26:00.001-08:00

i should leave in a blizzard!
snow blasts are silent behind wipers
you wouldn't notice.
i don't care.

2008-02-20T18:27:00.000-08:00

i'd like to take some time to discuss what i think about the final contestants on project runway.

christian
HE IS NUMBER ONE ALLTIME BEST. he knows what kind of attitude gets you attention on reality tv. also, he may make blazers with the same type of sleeve, but they are LOVELY. he's adorable. i want to meet the person that gave him his haircut. he's going to win.

chris
he is fat and talented. i like that they brought him back, because he always has something cute to say, and he reminds me of a dude i used to work with at the gap. that makes me wonder if chris has the same fat-guy foot disease that the guy i knew had. i loved the little naps he's taken over these past 11 weeks.

jillian
BOR-RING. shes so dull! i forget that she's even there until someone makes fun of her. that's either really unfortunate editing, or she just happens to be one of those passive-aggressive girls i want to smack in the face.

romi
whatever, asshole. you already own a store in LA AND you've dressed jessica alba. i don't think you're trying hard enough OR listening to anything anyone is saying. bleh.

2008-02-17T20:24:00.000-08:00

rasputin was a creature of infinite wonder and a life of irony.
born a middle child; raised an only child because of two deaths at the river.
he identified thieves!
he went to the monestary as a penance for theft.

oh, he was holy and he was hypnotizing and he was healing and he was heard of.
healing Tsarevich Alexei's bloody little body.
what a miracle! they said! get him in the government!

one day a big war came, and his time had come.
they laced his cakes with cyanide; he did not die!
they shot him in the back; he did not die!
they beat him mercilessly; he did not die!
they shot him four more times; he did not die!
they threw him in the icy river; he did die.

of nothing else but drowning.

there were claw marks on the ice!

2008-02-14T13:30:00.000-08:00

there's a lot of love, but not the kind i need
you ever made a'soups out of pumpkin seeds?
there's a lot of skin and flesh i'd never should have seen
there's a lot of half-ways in between

there's a lot of stains i think i wish i'd done
there's a lot of leaves my true love gave to me

there is nothing in my brain

2008-02-13T14:28:00.001-08:00

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
000000000000000000000000000000
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

2008-02-11T13:15:00.000-08:00

hello. meet lennard schuurmans.
pleased to meet you, lennard.

2008-02-09T12:38:00.000-08:00

another thing about my dad:

here i am sitting in my parents house. my mom is petting the cat on her lap while i wait for the cake to cool off.
my dad is playing internet slot machines on the computer in the hallway, yelling:

"BONUS! BONUS! BONUS! YEAH! BONUS COME ON!"
and then.
and THEN!

"B-O-N-N-I-S BONUS!!!!!!!!!"

hahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahhahahahahaha
hahahahahahahahahhahaha
hahahahahahahahahahhahahahaha

2008-02-06T14:15:00.000-08:00

-david shrigley

stop looking around instead of into.
it hurts my feelings. my armpits started sweating.
everything in the middle fell down to my feet.

i bought books upon books today.
or maybe just two.
one of which is The Beautiful and the Damned.

2008-02-04T14:27:00.000-08:00

social statistics:
brings the somber realization that we are all just numbers to everyone else.
a neat little column for all your quirks and eccentricities.

(poor people are labeled "crazy" and the rich are labeled "eccentric" and the drunks are labeled "bums" and we are labeled "young")

2008-02-01T13:40:00.000-08:00

there is no direct correlation between long island accents and native americans.
i've googled and yahoo'd and scoured all corners and ledges of the internet for charts and graphs.

large restaurant. jokes about purchasing weapons (ninja stars, battle ax, swords, bazooka guns). all in the long island accents they used to do daily. i forgot about those times in the kitchen with the orange floor, orange dog, and boys making accents. anyway.

"DO YOU REALLY HAVE TO TALK THAT LOUD WHEN THERES A NATIVE AMERICAN SITTING RIGHT OVER HERE?!"

from across the entire restaurant.
bobby got pissed.
bobby wanted to kill her.
did kit mention a tomahawk?

i ate a milkshake with a spoon and a hotdog topped with stink.

jack.

2008-01-30T15:47:00.000-08:00

someone told me that they feel equal parts happy, sad, and crazy.
it is equal parts that simple and equal parts way more complicated.
i am well rounded and in a thousand crazy, chaotic pieces!
i am in love with myself.

(and jack nicholson.)

2008-01-05T15:24:00.000-08:00

i've been in and out of sleep for the past two days.
feverish, sweaty, and tossing in a bed that isn't mine.
everything is dark, so i never know the time.
(not to mention the power went out, and we never reset the clocks.)

while drifting, i heard craig, out in the hallway, talking vehemently about something.
it reminded me of when i was young and sick, in the bedroom off the kitchen. my mother would watch wheel of fortune and talk to her sister. it was a comfort.
every now and then a cool hand would touch my forehead and bring me some water.
it was a comfort.

2007-12-13T17:49:00.000-08:00

everyone that lives in buffalo should be given a voucher when they are born. this voucher could be redeemed, when they are of legal driving age, for their very own snowmobile. but it wouldnt be a normal snowmobile, it would resemble the popemobile so taht way you wouldnt get all snowy.
ah shit. nevermind. that would mean that everyoen would basically have a voucher for a free SUV. a bulletproof SUV.

here i go, everyone! i am going to change my life! isnt that lovely?
i'm also going to see some members of the office do some comedy things at UCB.

2007-12-10T08:34:00.000-08:00

dear girl in the library with the baby thats crying,

find a damned sitter for your baby. if you cant, then study at home. i don't care if your baby is hungry/tired/sitting on a diaper full of poo. my attention shouldn't be focused on the blood-curdling screams of your baby, but unfortunately, you are incapable of controlling your child. you also lack common decency, courtesy and respect for others seeing as how you refuse to remove your baby from the STUDY QUAD, or even attempt to soothe his/her obviously tortured soul. i didn't pay $4.50 for my coffee beverage just to have all attempts at concentration and studying squandered by your precious little angel. this is the study quad, not Doodle Bugs Day Care.

thanks,
nats

a Home Improvement Evening

2007-12-02T17:38:00.000-08:00

i love:

- antiques roadshow on pbs
- wait wait! dont tell me! on npr, sunday mornings
- mcdonald's cheeseburgers with extra cheese and extra pickles
- little debbie christmas tree cakes
- my dad's stories about his younger days
- speaker dancing
- men in sweatpants
- tom and jerry
- morning coffee
- queen
- rosanne seasons 1-4
- truman capote
- vince guaraldi trio Charlie Brown Christmas album

getting me by, passing the time. my feeling of being in limbo is breaking and strengthening simultaniously, strangely. i fell in the snow today while brushing off my car. sometimes i begin to cry when things like that happen, also when im extremely tired, which seems to happen a lot lately. i dont know what i would do if i didnt have jena nixon in my life. today, im feeling not-so-pretty and not-so-healthy and not-so-rested. did anyone else have a strange obsession with jonathan taylor thomas when they were little? do you remember scrounging or beggin your mom for $4 to buy the newest Tiger Beat magazine? before the days of High School Musical, back when child stars did voices of disney characters. Old-school, painted animated characters. i have come to the point in my life where i realize i should never ever be embarassed about anything about my personality, especially not my love for clothing, makeup, and hairproducts. even with the knowledge that their relationship has been carefully crafted by a team of writers, i would love to one day be married like Tim and Jill on Home Improvement or Roseanne and Dan on Roseanne. They're humble, hardworking, and never sick of each other (excluding the last seasons of roseanne.)

goodnight.

2007-11-25T17:13:00.001-08:00

BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED OUT OF MY MIND I AM GOING OUT OF MY MIND I AM CRAWLING OUT OF MY SKIN MY SKIN IS FREEZING IN THIS CITY THIS CITY IS FREEZING MY HEART I AM A BORED HEARTDED GAL ON A BORED BORING NIGHT.

2007-11-20T19:06:00.000-08:00

HAHAHAH.

speaking of cheeseburgers...
i'm addicted to mcdonalds cheeseburgers with extra pickles and extra cheese.

dear:
i miss you. mostly because i know how it is to be under the tiny blue blanket, with the noise of the fan, and the peacocks yelling at everyone to wake up.

26 days,
me

2007-11-07T19:55:00.000-08:00

i have incredible urges!
tap dancing. purchasing numerous television shows on dvd. finding the perfect pair of boots. neglecting the buffalo nightlife. neglecting the buffalo life. realizing the transition of past events from unfortunate to fortunate. aspiring. feeling incredibly hopeful, incredibly happy. despite the last entry, i am incredibly happy. i no longer feel stifled or inadequate.

you know?

2007-11-07T11:42:00.000-08:00

this place is a goddamned dump.
full of dismal, dank slush.
bitter and frigid and constantly frowning.
i hate it so much i feel like i could bite my own lips off. i feel like the only way to feel warm is to throw my scalding hot starbucks in my face.
its a joke. a big joke lie.

fuck you, buffalo.
i fucking hate you.

2007-10-26T17:06:00.000-07:00

i'd rather be where the hills are burning.

and i think claws would win.
he could just use his giant pincer to chop jaws's fins off.

2007-10-22T11:25:00.000-07:00

sometimes...
when the world gets you down. when you dont want to get out of bed in the morning. when tim hortons gives you the wrong order/coffee that tastes like dish water. when your car wont stop stalling out on right hand turns. when you have a doctors appointment at 8am every single day this week. when you are cranky...

you just put on the only cd you have in your car: queen - greatest hits. and you sing. and sing. and sing. and the world is a better place.

the only way it could get better is if you saw this guy in your backseat.

farewell

2007-10-16T18:04:00.000-07:00

(mindy's camera, my hand)

everything has now come down to countdowns. x's on the dry erase calendar. text's with many, many !!!!'s
day by day by day by day goodbye to so many days that i cant even remember because im too consumed about what to do with the days with you.

2007-09-14T07:14:00.001-07:00

i am amazed at the things that kittens do that could potentially kill them i.e get caught in plastic bags and drink water from the bucket you just used to mop the floor with.

the worst week of my life has just passed. i only made it through with the help of a few people. you know who you are.

i just cant stop feeling exhausted. i fall asleep at 10pm every night, unwillingly; in places one should not fall asleep.

2007-08-16T19:40:00.000-07:00

here are a few stories about my brother, andrew james latchford.
b. june 3rd, 1985
buffalo, ny

when andrew was 5, he went hunting turkey with my dad. i have no idea why my father would even consider letting a 5 year old out into the woods with guns around. ???!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!? my mother had the excuse of being clincally insane. she was probably busy talking to herself while hiding all of my favorite pairs of pants. but dad? what the fuck?
anyway. andrew went along because he wanted to sit in the tree stand. tree stands are fun, by the way. i made my dad put one up in our neighborhood tree and it was THE BEST.
so my father's friend needed some help with something, and my dad wanted to help him. absentmindedly, he handed the shotgun to my 5 year old brother. BLAP! andrew pulled the trigger and flew to the ground (blap? i dont know.) now, i dont know exactly what my dad was thinking, but i was told that he instantly threw up, turned and ran to my brothers limp body, and frantically tore my brothers clothes off in search of a bullethole and blood. GUESS WHAT! andrew didnt get shot. he actually laughed really hard when he finally came to.
(dont judge my dad based on his bad judgement. i love him.)

we used to go to this cottage in long beach, canada. family friends owned it and every summer of our life was spent there. every summer we listened to the beatles, pretended we were mermaids while "scuba diving" (masks and snorkles and water 5 feet deep,) played hide and go seek in the pitch black backyard, and walked to the big rocks. the beach was rocky, and in the very center of the bay was a half a mile stretch of boulders separating the rocky beach from the sandy beach. we called them the Big Rocks (obvs) and made it a point to climb them, make forts in them, and in my brothers case, casually stray away from the group and poop in them. the end.

2007-08-14T10:40:00.000-07:00

the last day always hurts my feelings. it cuts me deep.
even with 2nd degree sunburn and hangovers every day, this trip has been the best by far.
my skin is peeling off; we did that duet perfectly; "this is all i ever wanted"

but all the prospects! decisions regarding where/when/how life is going to start are being made and we all know that once i get something in my head, im going to make it happen.
there is a living room and a best friend waiting.

2007-08-13T09:35:00.000-07:00

OH YEEAAHHHHHHH!

2007-08-07T10:13:00.001-07:00

last night all i wanted to do was sing "dont stop me now" because THEY HAD IT AT CHA CHA LOUNGE! but angela told me to do a shot with her and since im takin care of my lady i DID. it was whiskey, which either a) gives me a rage or b) gives me a raging stomach ache. and then i came back AND I BARFED IN THE TOILET! i fucking barfed! but thats not all! i fell asleep with my head on her toilet WHILE SHE WAS VIDEO CHATTING!

all in all, it was a great first night.

2007-08-03T05:54:00.000-07:00

ive been thinking excessively (by force) about television advertisements. even though i lack 170 channels (i get along with the basic 25, half of which are home shopping) ive noticed the commercials are either excellent or absolutely, sickeningly annoying.
commercials are capable of being the bain of my existance when im thoroughly mentally involved in Man vs. Wild. seriously, try to watch Man vs. Wild without awe. its probably the best show out there, and when armagheddon comes im going to be fine, because i know how to get out of sinkholes, spear fish, and build huts in the tundra. Oh, and that show where they show you how they make stuff...How It's Made, i think its called. i could really care less about how twizzlers are created; im just completely enthralled by the elaborate, detailed jobs machines have. shaping tylenol tablets. inflating chip bags. printing the tiny designs on champagne bottle corks. Its mesmerizing.

N-E-wayz...these disruptive and often enraging commercials include but are not limited to: feminine care, anything to do with shaving, raymour & flanningan, african lion safari, the office type humor where there are a bunch of dudes (20somethings, some with thick framed glasses) hanging out in the breakroom getting shot down by some older black man talking about his "dots," commercials for other shows, and local car dealerships (fucillo chevrolet excluded).

most of these commercials dont have any aesthetic value. messy. sloppy. annoying voices. bad design. what are people getting paid to develop these shit ideas? none of the above listed commercials make me want to buy any of the things they are trying to sell. it is a complete turnoff to KNOW that someone out there thinks, "hey! lets put a bunch of leggy girls in all different colors doing stupid dances with razors by a pool and women will JUST LOVE IT!" i dont love it. im annoyed by it. even if this commercial was effective and i went to buy the razor/shaving cream, the product would fail to deliver what the image on the television promised. what about that commercial where there are hot girls in a bar and their hot friend walks over and starts talking about all the key medical points of her birth control pills? all the girls are sitting around drinking martinis and shes" blah blah blah you shouldnt take YAZ if youre already pregnant, guys! OH! and remember that smoking raises risk of heart disease, blood clot, and heart attack LADIEZ!!! CHEERs har har ahha!"

ill tell you what commercials i DO love. the iPhone commercials. Target commercials. Clean and simple and to the point. i know that when i go to target, im going to feel like what the commercial makes me feel like. and when i get an iphone (never) its going to look like the commercial and do what the commercial has it do.

BLEH.

2007-07-27T11:20:00.001-07:00

i have the capability to sit in my apartment alone, writing up lists of exactly what shirts to bring on my vacation; however, i cant seem to simply pick my socks up off the floor or clean out my car.

lists lists lists lists lits sits for listssssssssss

2007-07-25T12:21:00.000-07:00

2007-07-20T13:15:00.000-07:00

i spent an entire morning composing a blog entry about commercials. since this thing autosaves everything right away, said entry is filed neatly away in my archives. instead of hearing me thoughts on effective advertising, but not veering ENTIRELY off the subject, i present you with this:

i dont recall when i first saw this, but its one of my favorite things on YouTube. mostly because ive been obsessing over The Shining ever since i was little and fucking freaked because there is a picture of my dad in the same red jacket AND same hairstyle as Jack. i never developed that invisible friend/talking finger complex though. have you ever paid attention to the wardrobe in this movie? incredible, with a few rare exceptions (tan corduroy overalls over a flannel? bad idea, mrs. torrence. no wonder your husband wants to kill you.) all of you bitches out there know for a fact that if danny torrence were about 23 and you saw him riding a bike wearing THIS

rocketship sweater, and sporting this perfect haircut, you would cream your pants and then go home and try to find him on myspace.

2007-07-17T19:48:00.000-07:00

i am no good at many things.
i.e photography, turning off the oven, paying attention, focusing.

do i have ADD?

2007-07-11T15:33:00.000-07:00

this, tender reader, is my kind-of-but-not-by-blood nephew, devon.
we went to the zoo!
it was...you know...just like the zoo, but the lions were being lazy as hell and were nowhere to be found, and the gorrilla setup REALLY REALLY stank. very stinky.

we travelled to Niagara Falls, just because devon is 9 now and will actually remember it.
most memorable moment was not the look of wonder on the youngsters face when presented with one of the seven wonders of the world...
it was this social commentary as we were leaving:

(as we were heading north on some street, back to our car, a rather pudgy drunk bum stands on our left, smoking. a group of glam/goth fashion kids walk toward us, heading south. i mean...you know that band AFI? like, that hair? that myspace glammy black/blonde spikey chunky hair? bleeeggghhh.)

bum: heyuu kids gat any money? iayno bum i swear. im juss tryin to get hometa makids.
group of kids: no way, sorry man. no. no money sorry. etc.
bum: ahdammit (proceedes to smoke).

devon: i KNOW those goth kids got money. (devon lives in alabama, BTdubs.)
me: what? why?
devon: i know they got money because how else do you think they get their hair all dyed and done like that all crazy? how do they get all them goth CHAINS? where in the heck do they buy ALL those black CLOTHES!? they spend allllllll their money to look all....weird....like that. why ARE they wearin all them black clothes for? dont they know its hot out here? ITS SO HOT!

once, i told devon i didnt want to go for a bikeride because "i was tired."
he proceeded to tell me, "well, youre also a BUTTHOLE!"

yoy.

2007-07-06T06:28:00.000-07:00

weve been adventuring!
weve been out walking in our new shoes.
weve been complimenting you; how come you dont blush in your modesty?
we're smoothing down and heat-gliding and aligning.

2007-06-28T19:34:00.000-07:00

slip and slides were pretty harsh. what adult figured it was a good idea for a child to heave their bodies TO THE GROUND onto some plastic strip lubricated with water? i mean, youre basically trying to break a 6 year old's arms. you are throwing yourself onto the ground. after running from a fairly decent distance, after gaining speed.
they were fucking fun. chrissy, jenny, michael, my brother and i used to kill it on those things. michael had this genious idea...put the hose on the swingset slide and the slip-n-slide at the bottom. i thought it was amazing. i was only about 8 years old, and when i got to the top, i stood up. keep in mind, girls had perpetual bathing suit wedgies/saggy butts back then. my brother was in charge of turning the hose on as soon as we reached THREE. and s we all counted "ONE! TWO! THREEEEEE!" and i plugged my nose (????) and flopped my ass down on the slide. my asshole bipolar little brother didnt let the kink out of the hose and i ASS SQUEALED down to the bottom. narry a slip OR slide in sight.

last year, around this time, my best friend angela and i went on a trip to vegas to see my other best friend tim. the night we got there we had a little love affair with casino-side bevvies and Maddog 20/20. long story short, i attempted to do a "YEAH!!!" jump (you must know what those are) off of some concrete patio furniture on the way to the community pool and i busted my shit all over the pavement. i still went swimming (doye) beacause alcohol is the devil and i drove myself to the hospital the next morning to find out i seriously sprained it.

whatever, i still drank beers in the pool while crying on the inside.

anyways! 3 lortabs, one cast, and crutches later, EVERYONE in vegas decides its time to rig a giant tarp onto this hill in a public park and turn the sprinkler system on, thus making THE SLIP-N-SLIDE that broke my heart.

can you imagine not being able to slid down this thing? i was wearing a damned dress, fainted from taking too many lortabs without drinking water in 120 degree heat. these kids were wasted, flipping down the hill. they were holding hands. surfing. somersaulting. fuck.

to make up for all the negativity associated with water and soap covered plastic...you must rent me this:

WTF!

2007-06-22T15:39:00.000-07:00

reunited and forgiven, thanks be to jesus.
i missed you!

maturity hits me across the face in the form on insults- the half joking kind that push you over the thin line of relationship-jaded/dedicated friend. a line i walked till 4am sometimes, only to wake up at 6am and groggily realize that 23 is lonely and unjust in every aspect that every other age (13, 19, 20, 21) is and will be (24, 31,36,57,90)

2007-06-20T11:47:00.000-07:00

Finally, in conclusion, let me say just this.